its an autonomic response.
tha face that stares back in tha mirror
that does not resemble mother grandmother sister.
makes me one uv a kind.
wonderin frum where eye stem.

its tha rituals.
i.e. tossin a ball in tha park.
monday night football.
that talk re: tha birds & tha bees.
eye neber get.
b/c eye neber got.

its an abscence.
a vacancy.
an empty space.
akin ta a missin tooth.

its not bein able ta
answer kwestions.
i.e. why
no visits
birthday cards
a call even
sumfin

its not bein able ta answer kwestions
an inability ta cum back wif that kwik retort
in a terse game uv dozens.
worse....

its like losin half uv mahself.
a built in handicap.
sumone eye neber met.
anutha grandmutha?
a grandfather?
aunts?
uncles?
cousins?
maybe even siblings?
a mosaic uv brown faces.
pieces ta a puzzle that looks like me.

like eye might ave passed them on tha street one dey.
spannin years.
eye peace tugetha mah own fictions
ta fill in tha unknowns.
what might cud ave been.
harden mahself & decide
ta ave no room fa tears.
consider mahself better off
not wantin ta be claimed
not now

neber quite knowin
how ta pronounce tha wurd father.
much less ur name.

beluvid